Valentine's and the use for a blow...

Andrew gives Charlie a three-wick candle and a blowtorch for Valentine’s. Listen to find out if she blew herself or the house up… Their thoughts on editing Roald Dahl (WTF?!). Who doesn’t love a bloody Oompa-Loompa?? And why Charlie needs to be watered as much as Andrew's new cactus, thank you very much indeed.

If you enjoyed the podcast check out their other episodes  https://funnyfamily.buzzsprout.com/

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And as they always say: they love you.

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 [Music] Hello, welcome, I'm Charlie and this is my husband Andrew. Hello. Our podcast Funny Family is a one-stop shop to making you feel your family is actually normal. Whatever normal may be, I cook, we parent, and we most importantly survive the school playground. Ish. So you wanted to start our episode with an extract from a book? I did. Which sounds like I've gone really serious, but it's from Prince Harry's memoir. Oh, the spare. The spare. Which? Air in a spare. Honestly, I don't think came under the genre comedy, but my God, it should be there. Either that or mystery. It's extraordinary. Anyway, I've just plucked the book, Prince Harry's spare, from the bookshelf and it was next to cracking the menopause and the hormone reset diet, which probably gives you a good insight into me. But this is just genius, listen to this. When there were no other boys around, no other common enemies, willian eye would turn on each other. It happened most often in the back seat, while par drove us somewhere. A country house, say, or a salmon stream. Once in Scotland, on the way to the river spay, we started scuffling and soon we were in a full scrap rolling back and forth trading blows. Now I want to ask you about your childhood, Andrew. How often were you being shipped to a country house or a salmon stream when you were having a fight with your brothers? I would say never. No, I'm not sure many people do. No, this is the joy of this book, it just has so many bits where you just go really, you know, I made a joke on Instagram. Some of it's sort of like, oh, they didn't have organic guacamole in weight shows that day, oh, tragic, but past said it would be okay and we'd have to pull through. It's that sort of level of entitlement. Entitlement, that's a good word. Yeah. It is so funny. So I will say that I'm I'm still reading it actually, but if you want a bit of a laugh, and there are some very serious points, but if you want a bit of a laugh, it is actually really good. I don't think I'm going to read it, but anyway... I know what I feel you in, you don't need to read it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do find it odd. I think the whole, the one I thought was great actually, which I think will challenge the Harry and Meghan is South Park, just came out with a, oh yeah. Epistach, which I think is hilarious. It's the Canadian royal family, but basically it is Harry and Meghan and it will want to see how they cope with the being ridiculed. Oh, no, the problem is the more ridiculed them, the more their sales go up. Yeah, yeah, so it's sort of like we're actually helping them out. I even this someone organically go and buy this and because it's a lot off, I've said it's a lot off. Yeah, but their sales go up, so they're winning. I think everyone's bought that book now and they And they caught into the sales, I don't think you have 5.6 billion people of own spare now. But anyway, yes. And it's quite intimidating front cover. He looks slightly possessed or I don't know, but I think someone's taken Photoshop and mixed him up with someone else and I'm not talking about whether it's Charles or the other one. Who is real dad, is he? No, I don't know. We don't know. We don't know. We don't know. We're not going to start speculation. I know it's already happened. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, anyway, it's such a laugh. It's making me laugh, isn't it? So that's a good thing. And I will then get on to cracking the menopause. (laughing) I'll let you know how that goes, folks. What the menopause or? Oh, well, I think I'm already a peri-menopausal. So I can tell you already that's going rather shitly. As for the menopause itself, if it gets any worse, then we're doomed. So yeah, good luck with the rest of your life. Thanks. - But this week, and probably not menopausal, but you've been fairly shit. - Of course. - I mean, I'm not the best. - Fairly shit. I love the way to then pause and put health wise. You've just been fairly shit. - Yeah, no. - On Valentine's week, you've just been shit. (laughing) You've health wise. - Well, health wise, you've been pretty. - Yeah, I had to say, I don't know what I had this week. Absolutely flawed, me didn't it? and our middle child as well. He's been at home most of the week and he's generally a pretty good litmus paper for is it bad or not? And he was really quiet, like worryingly so, wasn't he? So yeah, really flawed us. But it also makes you realise how hard it is to look after children when you're also feeling shit. - It is when I'm in the office having to work. I had lots of work this week, yeah. - Yeah, the convenience. - That's a theme, where we'll go on - I've heard these podcasts, whenever there's children to deal with, I seem to disappear. I'm not really, I'm not that bad. - No way, maybe I should just Charlie without that bad enough. I think I'm fine, actually perfectly fine. - No, you're a truthful when it comes to doing school pick-up and whatever. I mean, there've been a couple of days I'm like, I can't even set foot outside, less alone, in the playground. And we know my issues with the playground anyway. I have to be on top form for that. (laughing) - Yeah, so you've recovered now, or fully, or fully. - I'm, I'd say I'm 80% of the way there. - Yeah. - I'm always aware when you say things like that, you sound like a man, like no offense, but men tend to get, well, I'm not quite there yet. So do you know what, bugger it, I'm gonna be a woman. Yeah, I'm 100%, in fact 110%, yeah, I'll just take on everything tomorrow, don't you worry about it. (sniffs) Yeah. And you, are you a bit missed, aren't you? Because our treadmill is broken. - I am, yes. I got into a bit of a routine I suppose come new year, obviously with my health, with my, you've got a stroke or whatever, you're a mini-TIA or whatever they call it. No, it didn't have a stroke. No, it didn't have a mini-stroke, they call it. Oh, okay, I'll give you the mini-life. Yeah, which they have no evidence of, but we believe it was there. I could have been making up. I wasn't, but the theory could have been. I tell you what, if I found that out, I would be, you would hear me when you lived. No one would ever know. No, but I honestly couldn't see. But no, so I was getting into the treadmill. Yep. And I was doing training. I did two lots, part one and part two of doing 10k trainer, getting back into running and then the treadmill broke. Well, no, but this is the thing, right? So he thinks the treadmill is broken. So the other day I was thinking, right, I might actually set foot on that thing. And I said, you what is wrong with it? Can I use it? And you said, yeah, he just doesn't do any incline. and I'm like, how is that broken? That is so fucking fantastic. I mean, as for outdoor running, if I see a hill, I have to head back. (laughing) - Yeah, but I know I quite like the hills. - I know. - Yeah, I'm a Glenford Management. So yeah, so I'm my training's still gone out of the window. So I've basically got unfit again and fat again. - What, in 10 days? - Yeah, 10 of 10 days, yeah, pretty much. - Honestly, worse than a woman. So we're not going anywhere, they're going to fix it in two weeks time. Which is great because what happens is he'll then go out, he might go for a run, I don't know, like, because I'm just bearing him on, I go to bed quite early because I've got no stamina. He might go for a run at about nine or something and then run for an hour and then come in and make sure that we all know that he's back. Yes, to have a bowl of cereal, I've never known anyone, clink their spoon so loudly against bloody bowl at that time at night so it's like 10 10 30 at night then he comes into our room has a shower starts whistling I'm like oh you're gonna have to rain that whistling or it's gonna be got somewhere else you know yeah I have a habit of whistling and he says he doesn't know he does it I don't know I do I'm not one of the seven dwarves are you yeah I whistle while I whistle all the time actually you do look but look bit like I'm nice I'm nice he five from seven I I think that's the same height as um... What's the same height as me but... Yeah and Kevin Keegan, I think bit taller than Lena Messy apparently. So... It's Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise, about the same height. That same height. He hasn't done too badly to be fair. Yeah, all the really, yeah. Yeah, most of the leaders in the world are about five foot seven. Yeah, Putin. Yeah. Yeah, that tells you everything. Go on that, that King Jong Jong bomb. King Jong, yeah. Is that his name? King Jong, yeah. Yeah, but he's about five foot seven wide and tall. I think. - There's nothing wrong with that sausage. You wrote that in now, we're not gonna go fattest. - Yeah, anyway, so yeah, but yeah, so not the tallest person in the world, but hey, you know, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. - Yeah, thank you. - To give me a look. - I know, it's 'cause I want something, I've gotta ask him later about something. Speaking of love or false love, or whatever it is, Valentine's Day this week, obviously. - Abs. Did you get anything from your lover? - I did. - The right shot, now if you turn round and went, actually, she gave me a wonderful, a lot of love and I was like, what? (laughing) - No, I had a look, I got on my desk, it was a lovely plant. Actually, it's a, I don't know what they call it, like a love heart cactus. - It's a cactus. - But a two. - A shape and love heart. - Love heart, shape, cactus. That's on my desk, which is very interesting. - Am I thought you didn't really can't, can a cactus? - No, no, I don't need to. - You don't need to know. I'm quite, I mean it does tell you when it starts going wrinkly, you water it. I don't know if that's a... Sounds like me! Look at me! Give me one! Give me one! I did not win! Oh, genius! But did, but so what did you get for that one time, stay? Brilliant, utterly brilliant. I wasn't expecting anything actually. I genuinely wasn't. So when I came down feeling quite shit wasn't I? That was my, my thing my first day of feeling quite rubbish. So that was how Valentine started. And I came down, there was a gift bag. I was like, this is very exciting. And inside people, just brilliant. A beautiful heart-shaped candle. And then, because I am a chef in the making, I've always wanted one, a blow torch. Although I am slightly concerned, the decadent of a candle and blow torch at the same time. He might just want to give me TNT. But it was very, oh, yeah, I don't know if there's any other woman in this world get that excited about saying a bloat torture. I know not sure how many people have ever given a bloat torture Valentine's Day. This is saddening. This is sounding wrong on so many laps as you're ready. If anyone's reading into the euphemism here, I mean literally the thing in the kitchen that you would like make a Crembrulele crisp on top. Yes. Yeah. But you then you could read down that route as well. Oh god, my out of a gutter. Come on. Yes. So, but then even Valentine's Day actually, because you weren't feeling very well, I offered to cook. You did. Which is very noble of me isn't it? Isn't it your feeling shit? It's true. Feed me. No, no, no, I'll do it darling, don't worry. You did clean up as well though, that sounds good. And I did. You did? Yeah. And what did you cook us? It's very nice. It's a very nice steak. Chips, mushrooms, some salad. Well actually if I'm allowed to do a plug and I really shouldn't be doing a plug for this person unless they want to sponsor me, back to sponsor shit. But, um, has some blue mental. Oh, for weight trash. he featured quite heavily, didn't he? And we started off with the Bloody Mary prawn cocktail. Now I absolutely hate prawn cocktail. So when I saw Andrew brought this back, I was like, "Oh God, I'm going to have to somehow get through this." Which is, by the way, often what happens when I serve him fish because he doesn't like fish either. That's another story. So I was like, "Oh, but then the Bloody Mary bit sold it to me." Yeah. I was like, "Okay." And then I was thinking, "Heston knows a thing or two about cooking." Yeah. Doesn't it? No, it was a good deal. And it was actually really good. And that was the 20 pound plug again. The waitress, I was actually in there. This, the guy said, you need to get this. It's really, really good. And when I was stood there, there was another guy next to me. He'd been sent in by his wife. He was about 80, I think. Been sent in to get the Valentine's meal. And it was great because you had the food and this 15 pound bottle of rum dacquery. Oh, yes, you were. Pretty mixed up with we had to drink, which bogging. You just said that man was 80. How do you know? - You've got a really crap sense of judgment when it comes to A. - He could have been anything. - He could have been anything. - Before we looking at you going, oh my god, that poor sword, 95. - Yeah, anything from 50 to 80, in that range. - I was good, I'm so glad you're not a doctor. - Very good. Yeah, but it was lovely. And then at the end, there were heart-shaped, it was like a cheesecake, I suppose, was it? - Yeah, I think it was, yeah. - Yeah, but very nice, yeah. And I did, so this is me doing the air fry. So normally I would have done my steak on a griddle on the hop. Right? And obviously that makes a mess. And actually doing it in the air fryer, we go on in these ninja grill ones. So you can put the grill piece in and cook it. And I'm actually amazed how well it does. You can do steak and things in there. I couldn't find the temperature gauge. I look for it and couldn't find it. You know, there's a thermometer you can put in. I didn't have that at the time. I know, I guess, but I would like to have gadgets. He gets really nervous when there's not a gadget around. when he has to actually just use his five senses. He's like, shit, but there's no actual recording of this being right. And you can see him having a little bit of mental breakdown. I didn't know you were looking for that actually. You could have said. - Anyway, yes. - But it did turn out rather well. So that was lovely and thank you very much for cooking for me. Ah, so it's every woman once a year. (laughing) - No, I do like cooking. I just don't get to do it very often. - No, we do it now. - Yeah, so I know, well, it's a bit pointless if I didn't cook and I was writing a cookbook. would. Speaking of that, what else have I cooked this week? I've cooked a chili, which I cooked chili quite a lot at don't I? So I do like a meat-based chili, but I've also learned to do like a just a bean-chapotal chili. I think I talked about that last time. So that's always a phase with the kids, which is great because it gets the eating a bit spicier food, but it's not sort of like, isn't is not like when I give them, I've given them some really hot engine curry seven eye. Which I think actually they've grown to love and it just shows if you experiment and push their palette they will come to love. I was going to pour some more wine, is that right? That's fine. I would like some more. Yeah. Do we edit this out while we're pouring? No, I think we'd be fine. Oh, God no. No, no. Anyone else who wants to glass go and get one now, this is your chance. We're going to have to pours one second. Oh, we've got an older child in tears. (bell ringing) Back. Back in the room. - We're back, oh my god. - Oh, good god. We just had a long sob story from eldest about how middle son Finn cut him up on a bike and then he said he almost went into a van to which my answer, like every mother out there, so like, did you actually go into the van and was the van moving? No, the van wasn't moving. Okay, did you go into the stationary van? No. Okay, drama over. So let your leg is hanging off. You need to leave this room now. (laughing) So he's gone off in a bit of a mood, but he'll be fine. - He'll be fine. - Lessons, lessons, lessons. - Lessons, I'll be fine. - But yeah, no, the would you- - That would draw. - It's very fun. We do play with, we do it all the time. It's a great thing. I think schools, if they've introduced you to your schools, do it or not. Eight is fab, right? - Yeah. - Just to get some thinking, lateral thinking. Yeah, it's a great. I know, but I, the dilemma, I really feel it. Like I've started thinking about the socio-economic dynamics of things and like all the politics, if I did that. Although what did you choose? This was genius. You had to choose. You went, you thought you were being clever. You chose like your first and your third or something and you said something like Charlie, number one, something. - Yeah. - Three, my family, like my children. - Yeah. Yeah, and then-- - Oh, clever. And then that was very easy for Vinnie to come up with an idea. So who would you rather? - Who'd you want then? - And we were all looking at each other. - Charlie or your family. - And my choice was both. - Both I couldn't do. Basically I'm not playing this game anymore. I gave up, right? That's it. No, you can't do this. - We're not playing the game. - I'm the sole game. - It was like, oh no, no. - You can't do that. That's not fair, yes. - Yeah, yeah. - Speaking of schools, I think the most extraordinary thing I read this week is role-dalled books, which I loved growing up. As you loved, and I know Ari loves them. - She was, it was in bed all of them. - She showed all of them in multiple times. - Yeah, oh my God, they are actually changing the wording in the books to suit this woke life that we live. - It's ridiculous. - Ridiculous, and you got an example. - Well, I need an example of the backwards. So SEO Trot is there, and there was somebody in there. I think it was the guy who had the tour toys is, she was deemed to be backward. - Yeah. - You know, slowly in, but so they removed the word backward from it, which the whole point of SEO chart, it was taught toys, spelled backwards. It was a player in words. And I get-- - And it took me till about last year to figure that out, actually. - But I get the people who have, you know, people can be offended by these words, but we can't change what was written before. We can't go back and say, well, I'm gonna edit Shakespeare because that's not appropriate. Oh, we're gonna change Jane Austen. - No, there's some people having it. we're going to change these ones, right? They were of the time. Well, also, I'm going to have to button here as a writer. I think as a writer, if you start, it's a bit like with this podcast, if you start overanalyzing everything, like within an inch of its life, you will not sound true to yourself, you will not sound true to life, will not sound authentic. And for example, if I was writing, I don't know, a character who might be shorter than most other males will go back to the, we're going to go size this to your story. I'm not looking at you like that. It's just you're the only other person in the world. Let's just say that's the case. Well, I can't start writing it from this perspective of Richard Osmond, can I? I mean, he's like a million foot tall. That would be ridiculous how he sees life will be very different to how you would see life. And most other people probably. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry not that. Yeah. But yeah, but you know what I mean? Yeah. That's just a physical thing. Yeah. And then also personality wise or how we've been brought up or whatever. I honestly, while you know my feelings on this, I can't say I've always loved an umpulumper. I'm unashamed of loving umpulumpers. I, in fact, I look at quite a lot of people in the public world. In the public world. In the public world. It makes me sound like I am in my private world, and then I enter the public world. So this is going back to spare. This in your life, you're a bit like things Harry there. When I go around and think... Maybe this may be... The public world that I live. When I go... When I step foot in a supermarket, I, what I was about to say is I often look around and think, don't we all look like a bunch of them and now people are switching off. So when you're being driven to the salmon river. Salmon river or the whole island. Salmon river anyway. Way fish for salmon I think. Oh thanks dude I'm so glad you're on board. I know that. What I'd like to know is it just mean is it got without sounding really stupid? It's going to sound stupid. It's in a salmon farm. So it's like, you know, it's just where they spawn. So, generally where they spawn. Okay. So they won't. Oh, spawn. You sound like the children now. They're constantly talking about spawning on their tablets. Respawning and dying and responding. Oh, it's alright. It's like a respawn. I can respawn. It doesn't matter. I don't die. I don't know. One, do you, so stupid when it comes across in the road? You do realize you could just die. Yeah, you can't respawn in real life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. So no, I haven't been to many salmon rippers if I'm honest. No, don't even eat salmon anymore. No, I don't think anyone can afford it now No, I don't think anyone I think I was listening to sas stay kitchen the other day Yeah, and they were talking about the expense of salmon right and even the chefs were saying generally We just don't get it into the kitchen's anymore because it's just not worth it. Wow people aren't willing to pay that overhead that they will have to pay yeah because even I I keep, I don't eat until he's mentally earlier. Right, I don't eat, I'm not a big fish. - He's fish, though. - Right, I think it comes from my mother, I would say. - It does. - In the fact that we didn't really eat fish, she doesn't like fish, so we didn't eat fish, it tastes too fishy. - But she doesn't like anything that's been cooked in a restaurant. What did she say about anything that's been cooked in a restaurant? - I can't remember. - She says it's to- - Messed about with. - To messed about with food. - Yeah, no that's called cooking. - Yeah. So anyway, so even to the point of you have caught and had it from the fish shop fish and chip shop. Yeah, you had X2 fishy Now I can eat haddock and place and caught so it's yeah, it's it's it's fine right I can eat there So I'm and I do and I've eaten scallops before but and I so I'm not a big fishy to but I do when I go to the supermarket I will look to see what I can get But when you look I've been looking at salmon as I've cooked salmon before the price is and I can't say Off the scale. I don't know. And I'm even talking because I've got my help. Yes, you should eat more Mediterranean diet. You should eat more oily fish. Salmon is a good example of that. I just, it's too much. It is so much. I mean, it really is. And yeah, it's ridiculous. All these, I know, I get it. Yes, we should all be doing all these things. Put frankly, if it's outside of your budget, you're not going to do it. And with our children who at times eat like horses and at other times I think I've turned into sparrows so trying to judge a weekly shop. I'm sure there are mothers all over the land at the moment go I hear you I hear you woman because it is it's painful and I mean I as I said I'm not really very accommodated I'm like this is what you're going to have if you want to eat but sometimes they genuinely suddenly decide they're actually not hungry and I'm left with like half a chicken and you know two saucepins of rice or whatever other times I'll go to the last grain of rice and I'll be like, "Oh, I'm still really hungry." It's anything left. What? How are you meant to know these things? No, but I think it's better than... If they've eaten it all, then you're much happier because you can give them something else, bread, toast, whatever it is. If you cook and you spend an hour and a half cooking two hours, whatever it is making something and you put it and they're picking around the edge. Not. What he means is he's also happier because his face is like, gets this sort of relieved expression like oh god it's gonna be all right after supper she's not going to be standing there swearing onto her breath um yeah because you know she's gonna have a quiet at life. Yes, often. Yes, often. Yes, oh gosh, well it's been quite a week um yes anyway thank you for my blowtorch. You haven't used it yet though have you? No. No again that sounded and a dodgy, but it's not, it's a genuine blowtorch. No, I haven't used it. Oh my God, if I'd used a blowtorch this week, the way I was feeling, the house wouldn't run up. (laughs) No one needs that. - And next week is half-tim. - Oh God, I've forgotten for about five minutes. - Yeah, so that's gonna be fun. - Yeah, and who's working all week? - Oh, I'm working all week. You know, like except for Wednesday, Wednesday I've got to go to Oxford for a MRI scan. - I'm an MRI scan. - Apparently I've gotta go in the machine for an hour and 15 minutes. I was in there for 25 minutes previously and that's enough. So I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with an hour and 15 minutes. Well, I'll be sending you positive thoughts in between shouting at the children. Yes. Yeah. Anyway, love you to chat. And do, love you. Yeah, love you. Love you all. Love you. Bye. [Music]