This week, the pair discuss getting down with Dick and Dom. Yes, they went OUT OUT (well, with kids). Charlie talks to you in Brummie Fish lingo and tries to upstage an English Heritage Guide.
Why Charlie is in charge of bollockings; her views on a hotel carpet and Andrew gives the listeners an insight into God.
If you enjoyed the podcast check out their other episodes https://funnyfamily.buzzsprout.com/
Follow them and engage on Instagram, email andrew@funnyfamily.com or charlie@funnyfamily.com
And as they always say: they love you.
This week, the pair discuss getting down with Dick and Dom. Yes, they went OUT OUT (well, with kids). Charlie talks to you in Brummie Fish lingo and tries to upstage an English Heritage Guide.
Why Charlie is in charge of bollockings; her views on a hotel carpet and Andrew gives the listeners an insight into God.
If you enjoyed the podcast check out their other episodes https://funnyfamily.buzzsprout.com/
Follow them and engage on Instagram, email andrew@funnyfamily.com or charlie@funnyfamily.com
And as they always say: they love you.
[Music] Hello, welcome, I'm Charlie and this is my husband Andrew. Hello. Our podcast Funny Family is a one-stop shop to making you feel your family is actually normal. Whatever normal may be, I cook, we parent and we most importantly survive the school playground. Ish. [Music] Hi Andrew, how are you doing? I'm very well, thank you, and you? I'm good, I've just had to take my jumper off, haven't I it's absolutely like a sauna in the studio. Which is, you know, getting naked in the studio. Getting naked in the studio. Or walks past now. I have no blinds or curtains. And you imagine this is March. So when it actually gets hot hot, will I actually just be in a bikini? That is a thought no one needs it. No, we know, that's what we want. Oh, look, oh God, he's sounded so sincere. I know I need it. Oh, bless you. You're in a good mood. I'll give you the tenor lighter. That can't be done by you like what these days, nothing. Packed a chewing gum. Oh, I'll put it back into chewing gum. You used to be a penny chew, now they're ten pounds. Yeah, oh, I'm delightful. So we had the funniest week, haven't we? But the highlight of the week, I think, has got to be Friday night, where we went up north, well, north-ish, Shrewsbury Way. It's north from where we are. And saw Dick and Dom. We did. Yeah, as in Dick and Dom. As in the real Dick and Dom. In De Bungalo from the main piece. Which I have to say, I wasn't convinced before we left. You organised the whole thing didn't you? We were staying in a premier inn. I did, yes. And I was... Is it fair to say a bit skeptical? Very skeptical. I think this is... We saw them on Sunday brunch. And they came on, obviously, advertising and promoting their show. So I watched them a bit, I think I was too old probably for actually when Dick and Dom first came round. Yeah, me too. So I didn't really see them but I was aware of them and they were on there, they were very funny and they're doing their tour and they're saying it's a bit out of humour and we thought, "Actually, you know what, get the kids, go and see a bit of Dick and Dom, it might be quite funny." So I organised it, the closest place I could find to us was actually Shrewsbury, I tried to look locally but they were all tickers and all so that. We got them very last minute, didn't we? We did actually. We did actually. We did actually. And then we had to be back on the Saturday, so it was just a sort of fly by, - Fly, fly, was it? - There, fly, this it, very exciting. - No, we had intended to go up on the Friday. - Yeah. - You know, take the, yeah, we've had somebody strikes us school anyway. We thought, well, we'll take the kids out of school, right, actually a bit of culture we were gonna give them, right, Dick and Dom? I mean, it's going to the theatre. I mean, this is, you should do this for your children. - You should do this, not only that, Shrewsbury, I have learnt, is the birthplace of Charles Darwin. - It is, yes. - I did not know this. This is amazing. - And they know this now. They've been visited his house. - Yes, I'm not sure they were that interested. - No. - We just read a plaque to them that was on a wall on where there you go. Now that's, that does. - This is where he was walking to. - But we, but on the same trip, design not awful English, sorry. I can hear my mum going, design not. You actually just didn't I see an oxbow lake? I spotted an oxbow lake. - Or the forming of the oxbow lake. Oh god, the detail. - Yeah, yeah, the detail, yeah, yeah. But no, as we drove down, we were going to Iron Bridge, another conversation, going back on the way back, going to Iron Bridge, the River Seven, obviously, it's fabulous there, but we drove down a bit and you went, "Stop, stop!" Pulled out a Riddle A, but I mean, it's a perfect example of creation of an old episode. - And back to our old episode, that inner geography teacher and me came out, so I bored the children's death with that as well. And I was like, you see how that started to look like a horseshoe, blah, blah, blah, and then Andrew pipes up as well. And we've got three children in the back, just go. - Yeah. - We will share a picture if you want to see the picture of the Eoclare convidates. - Oh my God. How am I getting excited about these things? - No, no, it was him. - Last week I got excited by cowshagging each other. This week I'm getting excited by water doing shit with the land. I mean erosion, I think you call it, it's shit with the land. (laughing) I think it says a lot about where I'm at in the past. (laughing) - But the fact we actually were out out, right? - We were. - We actually went out. Now we did have children with us, so we're not properly out out. - No, but they are a bit older, so you kind of can drag the cases. - And we could get drink, so it was great, 'cause we got there into, I mean, we raced, right? They weren't allowed there, so explain what happened. We were gonna take them out of school for an educational day. - Our children are doing okay at school, I'd say. You know, they're doing alright. And I really don't think they've had much absence. I think Middle Child had a week at one point, but he was, he was, I think, they've listened, I've heard about that. He was genuinely so ill. Anyway, I thought, this is going to be easy. I'm going to go down the actual authorized route and send in the absence request form. - Yeah. - Oh, did I shoot myself in the foot? - Absolutely. - No, because they said, yes, one child can go, but the other can't. Now how does that work as a concept as a family? I don't know what the fuck. I don't know how what we're thinking. So I had the day from hell on Thursday. You were in the office in Swindon, weren't you? I went to Swindon, and all he saw halfway through the day is me going, "The fuck say it now we can't even go to fucking Shrewsbury!" And you're like, "Oh my god, I think you were planning to stay in Swindon for a long time." Which puts it in perspective on how bad your day was going. The fact that I would in contemplate staying in Swindon. - The dog so much on Thursday, I shouted the dog so much on Thursday. He actually went to the kennels on Friday and Saturday night. - Not because of the shouting. - Not because of the shouting. - He didn't pack his suitcase to take himself off. - I'm off fuck this. - Sorry, yes, let's put that in context. That wasn't because, but I'm pretty sure there was a little bit of relief there. - Yes, he's naked now though. But he's been to kennel, but we did. We couldn't take them out of school, right? - Right. - So basically we had to do the last minute leaving Fairford. Hot bus three in the Land Rover, which is not the fastest car in the world, and we had to get to Shrewsbury. Now, anyone that knows from, say, Cheltenham up the M5 M6 on a Friday evening, that's not the most pleasant of journeys. So what I did is I just had two massive bags of snacks and just stuffed food into each face. Just to go, right, I don't want to hear moaning, your blood sugar will be fine when you get there, it's all going to be great, but we couldn't have got stuck in more traffic in more weird situations. Then of course, just as you were about to do one major maneuver onto the motorway, children altogether go, "Oh, I really need the Lou!" What now? You need the Lou now? Luckily, we were just near the junction on the M5 to come off to Aubrey. I think there's a McDonald's and a Tim Horton and whatever it is there. It was just before we hit a massive traffic jam there were 30 minute delays on this traffic jam always there we pulled off last minute almost like a beard across the moose shop the minter McDonald's to go to the Lou um and then then we went basically we were going cross country it's throughout midlands yeah we did Warsaw I mean I was born in 1954 and across I mean we were properly off-roading it I was born in Birmingham so hello to the Birmingham massive because honestly you know that That is my joint as it were. - That's where you're at. - Did that sound cool? - Yeah. - You're like, that's my gap. No, I'm pretty sure they don't say that. My children now just because they do. - Was that your best Birmingham accent? - Oh, I've got a really good Birmingham accent but I need to be a bit drunk. - I'm right, okay. - So that's for another podcast when I've had a few. Oh, it's quite good but not as good as my dad's. My dad's is effortless. - Do we feature him one day? - I actually, here's a steric, this day. - Yeah, we should get him on. - He is hysterical. Speaking of the Midlands, We've had a bit of correspondence. - Hmm. - Yeah, very good. - A bit of correspondence. And I took a bit of fence at this thing. This is Frank, he lives in Coventry. - Coventry. - Coventry? - Yeah, slightly different. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's slightly different to be here. - No, I can't be a conventry ex, but I try. - Well, I think Birmingham, Birmingham is... - See, you're not drunk and you're doing it. It's really good. - Is it okay? - Yeah, it's good. - But they coventry. Coventry. It's a bit lower, but they all sound really bored. It's like, I fucking live in Birmingham. I'm not, I know, I was born there. There you go, that's my non-drunk permanent asset. You're so welcome, I'm so glad you tuned in. Yeah, so we have Frank in Coventry, who says, "Andro, I think you're a saint for living with this woman, and you are a very patient man." Thank you very much Frank. (laughing) - I'm totally agree with you then. (laughing) - Yeah, well you can go live with Frank. (laughing) I'm country. (laughing) He's not a patient man, he's a very lucky man. - I am, yes. (laughing) - He now knows he's stuck in a boiling hot studio with me. Simon is laughing in my ear. You know, he is a lucky man, Simon. - Yeah. - Thanks for that. - Yes I am, yes absolutely. - Oh great, even the, even our editors going out, I'm not sure about that. - That's brilliant. That's all gang up on Charlie. - Thank you, Frank, anyway, for taking the time to write it and side with me. - Yeah. - It was very, very... - I suppose you were all quite patient. I'll give you that. But we've heard from a few people, but we've heard from Dean. She lives in Tottenham. And she says that your goalfish impression was ridiculously good. (laughing) So, yeah, I suppose you've been put on a pedestal there. You're like the world's most patient man. Yes. And my goldfish impression is pretty good. You try to do it again. I think you should. Broll, broll, broll, broll, broll, broll. And what would, that was very good. I think it could. I could try to do it at Birmingham accent. Broll, broll, broll, broll, broll, broll, broll, broll, broll. You're well. Anyway, the fish will be happy today. You know what we said on the last episode? The goldfish require hardly any effort whatsoever. - Yeah. - Yeah. Well, they actually do. - Well, I think they've done it from purpose. They say that when you did ignore us the whole of the winter. - Yeah, and you came in and basically said to me, look, one of the pumps is floating on the top of the pond. I don't know what the hell that is. - I actually thought it was a dead person and then I was like, oh no, wait, our pond's not that big. It was quite alarming. - So I've been out, I will share pictures, cleaning pond pumps. And if anyone has got a pond and they clean it, - It is grim. - It is grim. I mean, you don't have to think about what it is, you're cleaning them, basically. It's fish, shit. - It's fish poo. I know, 'cause when I had a pot and even before I met you, I would be cleaning it out, you know, throughout lockdown, and like pretty much every other day, I needed to clean that thing out during that time. I think it's 'cause it was so sunny, so it was like, everything was growing really fast. And, oh, you just hear me in my garden, go, "Boo!" (laughing) It is so grim. I think I actually prefer picking up dog poo, and that said something. - Yeah. I can switch off. I did it, I was fine. They've done, it's clean, the pumps are all clean. - Have I have you left? - I've left the tap holes. - The tap holes. - Yeah, yeah. - My fear is that you were going to go in there and just scoop them all out. - No, no, no, I avoided them. I went around the tap holes. A couple of scoops, there are a few tap holes. I emptied it back here. So I kept as many as I could in there. I didn't get any of them. I don't think we still got one. - They will come and haunt you. - They will, we'll have, yes. - Yes, if you through them out, they will haunt you. I think they'll die. - No. (laughing) I am mystic Charlie again. And I believe that these little tadpoles will come back and go, fuck off. - Fuck off. (laughing) - Yeah, so fish, they don't need any effort. I actually do need effort. The pond's clean, it's all done, which is really good. Charlie talks to them now, I think you've heard, you know, he has conversation with them. - Yeah, well I'm now gonna ask if there's any from Brum because we can obviously communicate. - Can we add a big fuck off her in land on the fence the other day? - I wonder why we have to put these swear words in. Someone will be wondering that. I actually, pretty sure, I looked through the correspondence yesterday, and I'm pretty sure someone said, "Why'd you have to swear so much?" - Or else. - Well, no, but you know what? Fair enough, 'cause it was a fuck off her. (laughing) And it's like, you said, "Oh, a her in landed on the fence." It makes it sound like a sort of like cute little pigeon with long legs, right? No, this was a fuck off her. - Yeah, huge. - He scared the shit out of me. I thought a tarot act was handed on the garden. - And it does help itself to fish. So we still got some. - That would be funny. - We still got some. I think some have gone over the course of the year. Use it like a snack on root. - Yes, I think the very first time I saw this heron, this fuck off heron, I shouted to the children and went, "Oh my god, this is so exciting guys. Come on, come to the window." So we're all like looking around the window. I hadn't thought why the heron was there. So then of course heron dives in, takes a golf fish. And my youngest is just looking out the window like, like trauma times. Did I actually just see that and I went, "Welcome to the world." (laughing) As it flies off with a flapping orange thing in his mouth. - She's from the best friends with that goldfish and I was like, "Oh, okay, I don't think that bit of thread." But you know, they have to learn, young. - Yes, they do. - That's what I think. Yes, we had the child absence dilemma, but we chose the moral high ground. They went to the full day at school. - Yep. - Admittedly, in their trainers and not their school shoes, that's me being a revolutionist. - Yes, yeah. And they told everyone at school they were going to see Dick and Don, 'cause the teacher brought them out and went, "I hear you're going to see Dick and Don, "and the young gets worse going, "and we're going to be late because of you." Which might be my speech earlier in the day. So I'm schooled if you are listening, I am so sorry. But it just felt a bit silly. I'm getting lots of messages, yes, I'm when I am trying to be professional. I've forgotten to put my message thing off. Oh, whatever. I feel all swear at me in a second. Yeah, so anyway, we tried to, we tried to take the higher ground more, all the higher ground. And actually, so reality was, we've taken them to the theatre. It was Dick and Don, but it was the theatre, right? That's big enough. - And it was funny. - And it was very funny. I mean, they were like, Ari was just. - I have to go back. So I was, yes, she was in a stereoms. Honestly, she was crying, but it was the most brilliant thing at the beginning. So yeah, there's me, misceptical, but of course I've got three children who I've now dragged up the motorway, stuffing them with crisps and all sorts of rubbish. And I'm going, okay, and now it's 7.30, and I've noticed the end of a school day, but now I need you to be really polite and lively and watch Dick and Dom, and then we sit in the theater and the audience start going, "Bogies!" - Bogies! - Bogies! - Bogies! Oh! - Which obviously is a Dick and Dom thing, right? - I know. But it got really annoying. Well, there was a couple, not a couple, like two women in the very centre who were clearly highest kinds or drunk as I don't know which one, but they couldn't to a screen any more loudly. So I'm sitting there going, I'm not even going to make it to the end of the task. I said I'm going at that point. Yeah, you would be like, if I get a walk out. But then even the youngest, she looked to me and she went, what the hell is this? And I was like, I don't know, I couldn't explain it. We've turned up to see these weird TV presenters and people are shouting bogeys at the stage. So then the youngest had some of my wine. I tried to calm it down, good parenting. And then it started and actually was hilariously funny because it was really the adult humour was genius. And I'm hoping when they go out to school. So there's a few things and I'm not putting in. But the dances, I think they could do the dances, right? The bum dance and the... - Bum. - The handbag. - The handbag dance, and there was another one that Ari really liked. - The weed dance. - The weed dance. - When you're doing the weed dance. - And they were like, oh, I think I recognized that. And I was like, yes, that's me when I've left it for the last minute at night, and I've had a glass of wine, and I need to go to the league. - And I do apologise to the school, probably the headmistress. I put a little seed of thought into their mind that... - Oh, God, it is. know like we saw Dick and Dom in the theatre doing the bogies and getting them out. Maybe when you're in assembly, one of you could show bogies. I want to be the Olympic commentator on the side and going, going, Finn, he's going in, he's going in. Oh, he's, he's, uh, bogies. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my god, he's hit 5.6 on the scale. Oh, this is exciting, this is exciting, but I can see Ari, she's revving herself up here, this is going to be good. I can see it in her eyes, there's a glint in her eyes. - Boggies! - Woo! - Everyone is looking around. I think she's hidden 9.10! (laughing) - Yeah, it would be so funny. But I think we'll get told off. I think we'll get told off. - But I always get told off my school, so I've sort of like, - Just accepted. - I just started to accept it. There is definitely a wanted poster for me in that school, so I'm pretty sure that none of them liked me that much. But anyway, if they do do that and assembly, hats off to our children, 'cause that's what you want for the children's knit. That's sort of a brilliant thing. - A bit of a belly-a-battery, a bit of a thick waist. - Yeah, loves that. But if you, if you're out, if you, if there's still tickets on the rest of the tour, if you get a chance to go and see them, and you can get a ticket. - Oh, great, sure. - Recommended, it's, it's fun. I mean, it's, I don't-- - I would love to get Dick and Dom on this new car, actually. - Ninety is human. - Yes. - They would be brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Oh, by the way, I will continue the Dick and Dom theme, but I just have to announce something quite exciting. I'm in touch with From Clarkson's farm, Caleb Cooper. - Oh, thanks. - Does that follow him? You're from your, they're shagging! - Well, I haven't enlightened him without one yet. Would I also love with that clip, you now put a clip out on Instagram with me going on about cow shagging? Is why I went, it's shagging the other one. We're shows that we do live in a world where I'm afraid to say what it is. I'm like, shagging the, what's the pronoun? I don't know what it is. And you look like there's a cow. [LAUGHTER] I know that, but I don't want to insult them. Everyone has rights. Cows have rights. They have both right. Yeah. Or something. Yes. [LAUGHTER] Oh my gosh. She actually needs a drink. Yeah, so that's interesting. So let's see how it goes. So watch this space. No, no, no, there's something quite exciting. So I'm just going to say watch this face, very cool. That's got nothing to do with Dick and Dom, but we would like to see them as well. Yeah, Dick and Dom, hilarious. So there's this woman, I think it was, selling t-shirts. - Dick and Dom, t-shirts. - Oh yeah, the merchandise. - The merchandise. - The merchandise. It was such as t-shirts, which is why I can't really say that there wasn't more than a t-shirt. But anyway, so there's these t-shirts. And they were £25 each, right? And our youngest walks past the table and in the loudest voice before we even started the show, right? So she's in the same headspace as me quite skeptical. She looks over and goes, "God, I wouldn't pay that." *laughs* And I have to say I agree, but for once I voiced it internally and she was Mike's turn of voice. It was genius. Absolutely genius. They did have some other really funny moments the children and they thought the bathrooms in the premier in were really all fashioned. Yes, they were just bathrooms. I think it's because they haven't had because we here We have a separate shower to a bath. We're really lucky like that But they've never had like a one of those showers that let's go into the bath Yeah, well, it's just it comes over the bathtub and it goes into the bath and you have the bath and you have a bath or a shower You can choose they were like so weird this old thing Yeah, yeah, actually, I think this is really old-fashioned I think you'll find that this is normal and then the other thing was hysterical I do think the youngest has such a diva side to her, doesn't she? So she walked into the room with me We go we go into the same cubicle. We have great chat. It's great She used to be like oh god, I can see your bits and I'm like well just look the other way So now we've decided we're not going to look at each other, but it's nice to have a little chat right this early time This is an April I thought women went to the girls you just go to the toilet together Like when you go to clubs. Yes, I thought it was because the toilet is a really high and you had to give them a lift up. What? No, sir. We say the piss. Why do they always go together? Why do girls, or whatever we mean, always go in pairs? Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause we're like, no, don't snorke me, so that's an absolute pillow. That's actually why. But then just to go back to this old fashioned thing, genius. So you wash your hands with the same thing, and now he's like, and then we get to the, it's not a dry, it's when you press the button, you get paper out. actually prefer that if anyone wants to know I prefer that and she goes oh my god this is so exciting I've never seen one of these. This woman looked at her low but then she just gave this charming smile to this woman and I'm like she will go on the stage. Yeah I think so. She is hilarious. She gets everyone in fits of giggles. No no it's fair yeah but it's made the world that as they see it. Absolutely. It's just amazing. It is. And I think the one thing I thought I thought it was really funny, you know, they said, "Your children today have like TikTok and everything else, and all we had was the handbag dance." Basically, it's your arms going up and down. And that's it, and actually they got involved and somebody was on stage doing the handbag dance. I mean, this is what we did instead of TikTok. - I know. - So I'm hoping, no mobile phones for a few years, they'll just do the handbag dance. (laughing) - Oh, good luck with that. (laughing) - I think the handbag dance has already died a death, I think. - I think so, yes. - No, we used to watch these progues, didn't we? Well, I didn't watch that specific one. So I remember seeing it on TV, but yeah, I think I was a bit older. - Oh, yeah, I was. - Yeah, I don't know. - I can't, I think I'm gonna guess that it would be aged at you age to not age, so it is a bit aged, but aimed at when you were eldest was. - Yeah, when Jack was the one, so. - So he's not 25. - Yeah. - I think you look at the demographic and the thing. They were sort of in the 25, 18, 25, 38 group, right? Whereas I think with the same major - We were in the show for big young girls as Dick and Tom performance. - But then yes, I've been basically Dick and Tom on my age. - Yeah, I do like the fact that they said they had to go to the gym to do this and you can see why. I mean, they were properly running around and saying, "I would have had a lot of tasks." Sorry, that's a very sore subject with you, but I would have though. 'Cause that is a properly active show, isn't it? - Yeah, we're running at the same time. there were so many good one-liners and just and they're really good at adapting to the situation so so many gadgets went wrong except for but they still made it funny I totally recommend going to see them take your children along that they will be baffled by what people used to watch absolutely genius on our way back we'll rush to this English heritage property didn't we yeah I'm not going to say which one, not because I don't want to promote it because it was actually lovely but the stories... Somebody might know who they are. Yes, I did actually do very putting it down in my notes and then I just thought, "Oh, do you know my luck? Someone's going to go, actually, she's my best friend." So she was hysterical but let me give you the whole thing. So we go to this English heritage property and let's just say it's south of Shrewsbury. Would that be a fair? Yeah, fair. Yeah, because we're heading all the way home. On the way home. That's all I can give. Now everyone's going, well where's that? There could be any of them, exactly. But then if anyone knows this, you'll know. So we bumped into this first woman and you know they get this glint in their eye, don't they? I'm going to talk to you. I'm bored of shit. I'm going to talk to you and I'm going to tell you every fact ever. I had just received some quite shit news on my email. So it's been a, it's been a weekend of ups and downs to be honest And I was not in the mood for this so she starts off and she helps the first one. Yeah, and her friend This is why she called it friend ever if you know she's having a fang on the sides. I wish you yeah But this woman had already started shouting at me going do you want to get your children really tired like taking them to the park and I thought she's either a loony too, right? Or she works here, turns out she works there. But she was, yeah, anyway. (laughing) So, I'm then a bit tearing on tight, 'cause I've got this news, which by the way, I am going to tell everybody about, I'm gonna touch on it today, but I can only say so much about it because of an ongoing case. But I think it's a subject that really needs to be talked about. This has gone very serious. - Very serious, very serious. - Oh my God. I'm expecting like Andrew Mar or something to say something. No, but don't you agree? You know, obviously, and it's really important, and it's to do with rights as a women and children. Yeah. Anyway, so I get this email, and that's really put me off, but we've now worked at this house. I can't do anything about this thing until Monday anyway. Let's just go and look around. So we bump into every keen Abina tool guide ever on route. You can't do this to house quietly. and we go and see the chapel. There's two women in there, absolutely delightful, but they're like, "Hey, do you kids want to play these games where they have to look for each item?" On this, what do you call it when you put plastic on the thing? - Laminated sheets. - Laminated sheets. You can tell I haven't been in a school for a while. Laminated sheets and stuff, and I was like, "Oh, I really want to go in my head." But because I'm British and me, I went, "Absolutely, that'd be lovely." So then I'm stuck in this church which was beautiful, a bit too opulent for my liking, but beautiful. And we're watching our children trying to find Christ and stained glass and stuff. And it's just not where I needed to be. Anyway, then the two women decide to talk to us, which is very enough I suppose, but they don't stop talking, do they? That was the first bit. No, I have. In fact, you were speaking quietly and she had a hearing aid on and she kept saying, "I'm sorry, I can't hear and I thought if he doesn't shout it soon, she's going to be here all day until she gets it. Yeah. Yeah. So and then the kids of course, they don't get into their homework too they but they really got into the religious quiz in the church which is just ironic. So they were like this is so fun and I'm like oh my god literally. So then anyway eventually we get out of there but it took a lot of British charm actually. You know when you're trying to get out for room like shuffling backwards and basically you're exiting but you're still talking and quite - Yeah, and they have every way of you paying donations to God. You can give money here, you've got a slurp or sum up thing that you can scan your car or your phone and give him a hundred pounds. - I'm gonna ask you, Andrew. - Yeah. - And for those who know Andrew, this will be funny. Did you give any money to God? To the Lord Himself. - To the Lord, no, I didn't, in that instance. - I can't believe it. Did you normally so pro-religion? (laughing) - Yes, yeah, yeah. So I read Sunday school when I was younger. - Yeah, well I did too, but that's because it's free childcare isn't it? And like, our parents were like, you mean-- - Yeah, I would say I'm not a follower of a religion. Is a polite way of saying it, yeah. - I would agree. - Yes. - Of course you worship me, but that's only human. I couldn't even get that one. And we finally leave this chapel, don't we? And then, oh yes, this woman fagging it up and she's telling me to get the children to run around the park and I'm like, yeah, yeah, loon issue. And we go through this other gate, and those woman starts and she just started rattling. I don't even know what she was talking about, but she was one of the guys. And of course she's going on. And then, Loni Choon joins us. Now, the thing is, when you're a comedian, like me, you want the spotlight, right? And I was in a bad place in my head anyway. - Yeah, you didn't want to be talking to me. - I didn't want to be listening to someone else be funny. I wanted to be funny. So I came out with some brilliant one-liners, didn't I? and I had the other one with some giggles. Now she, you can see on her face, did not appreciate this person coming in and taking over her story. - No, no, I know shit here. I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna ignore you. I'm not even gonna listen to your one, I know. - I said, what didn't I talk about? Was it s-sessel, not sessel? Anyway, it's a man who used to live there in his nine lives. I said about that. I thought that was a really good one. She just like, no, I'm gonna ignore that. She just battered these off, didn't she? - Yeah, yeah, she didn't want it. She knows the story she's telling. - Yes. - She knows this is the story you need to listen to it. - Yeah. - And so then she told us that this is where people who know this property will know what I'm talking about. That Bob Dylan used it. Oh, he didn't use it. - No, I'm not. - He thought he loves haunted stuff apparently. - Apparently. - And so he wanted to go and see if it was haunted. So he dragged out a crew and entourage to go and see if this thing was haunted. Which I said sounds very Bob Dylan. As in, got a total screw loose. she didn't get that at all, so she's clearly probably a fan. And then there was, I think George Michael used it as a set. - I think so. - Is that what she said? - Yeah, there'll probably know where it is now. People know this. - That's why I'm saying it. Because if you know it, you'll know it. - It was Michael used this set. - You probably know her as well. And she was absolutely delightful. It's just that I had happened to have get this news and I wasn't in the, yeah. - And we looked, I think at one point your phone rang and you went, thank you. - I was like, I could feel it bouncing in my pocket. And I did the British thing out. I'm gonna have to ignore it because this weird talk away. And then as it continued, and it was my mom actually, she rang back again, I was like, I was so sorry, I've just got to take this. And I put myself around the corner behind a pillar. - But you left me there. - I left. - You left me there. So I'm standing there, I've got three children who are at this point, the thing close, and I'm in like. - At this point, they're picking their nose and nails. - So the two younger ones just go, as you can when you're younger, fuck this, ran up the thing, right? - Yeah. - I'm there with the oldest one, We taught him to be polite, not walk away. And he's talking to him and I was getting questions. And we now know all the history of everyone who ever lived in that house ever. I can't remember any of it. It was just, but. - I know what this is quite funny. - But I was being polite now. But you always tell me, 'cause sometimes I'll just walk off. I mean, and I was being polite. - And I was being polite. - Sometimes. So it was my voice in the back of your head. - Yeah, and I'm like, "Dry just walk off." - No, she's not. - I better not, better not, better not. - Oh, gosh. - And in the end, I think we got through everyone they'd all lived, died. We knew where they were buried, the whole thing, all the regiments they'd ever been in in the war. And at that point, I went, "Gee, I'm gonna go and have a look around the property now." If that's okay, this is why we came. Oh, okay. (laughing) Surprise. - Yeah, surprise. But the funniest thing was, on the way back out, she was still there, both of them were still there. So we're there trying to work out, how do we get through? So basically, what did we do? Well, what we did is we said to the kids, 'cause we normally go, "Guys, stay back, stay back, "just stay with us," whatever. And we were like, "Guys, run to the park," which is on the other side of this huge estate, "Run to the park," and they looked at us like, "What, seriously, this is so cool." And I was like, "And Finn," the middle one said, "What, you want us to run to the park?" And I was like, "Yeah, but could you just, "don't do it subtly?" And so we got them to run, pass these women, and then of course, there's me in the background, guys wait up wait up however I wasn't putting my 10g in was that because I didn't want to actually wait up I wanted an excuse to run through that gate so we walked up she started talking we had oh our children are off out outside we need to go and get them when off we went we pretended to be good parents for one second and the other best thing is that yes because I then had this phone call in which I was talking about this upsetting thing I I was stirred by a pillar, I didn't see most of this house, stood by a pillar crying. So, and I'm pretty sure one of the guides saw me there crying and was thinking, oh God, I know, I know Luni Choons is a bit boring but we've never ever driven anyone to this. That's a whole new low. Oh wow, and I thought, oh my God, I'm sobbing in the middle of an English heritage site. The fact that you know, the fact that it had burned down or burned, you know, - Yes, maybe she thought... - Yes, maybe she thought... - Maybe she thought you were really upset about this lovely building that's just been... - She's probably taken it as a compliment. - She delivered all this history and I've really taken it to heart. - I'm gazed, and... - It really incested with his nine lives. - Yeah. Survive a Cecil. (History music) So when I'm telling one of them all, I'll have this little face behind me, that little face is Andrew, so it's not just a random little face, it's my husband. And he sort of lets me do the bollocking because I'm really good at that, on-site. Yes, very good. I'm very loud, very firm, very clear on what I'm angry about. But consistent, right? I do actually. I am very consistent, yeah. I know why I expect from them. But you will always go to the whoever, whichever child it is, look, we're really not trying to have a go at you. This is not personal. This is not, and I'm like yesterday, when something had happened with the eldest, I turn around you went yes it fucking is I'm ballaking him and you were like oh okay she is actually yes no very true but no it's correct it's right though you do something wrong there's a consequence of doing it wrong I show the camera which I love them all the time you do but love comes in many different forms and includes boundaries yeah and we are and and they are better for it right when When we go out to eat, they will behave, they know how to eat as a knife and fork, they know how to treat, you know, and adults and everything else. So they're really well rounded to order. Well I think it will save you. So they're very good. Well I think it will save you. So if you don't give them boundaries, now say, at what point do you start going, oh you should be saying thank you for that or when they become a teenager. You shouldn't even be debating laughing at someone or whatever, you know, there are all these things that they go through. You can't suddenly introduce these things. No, no. - From day dot. - Yeah, yeah, otherwise it doesn't work. When they become a teenager, they say, "No, no, it's not acceptable anymore." Yes, but when I was 11 or 12, I could do all this shit. - Absolutely, no. - No, so no, I can't, no. Yeah, no, I agree. - So I do appreciate you softening the blow. (bells ringing) In wait-trot, we went to wait-trotes on Friday, didn't we? Just get all these snacks. - Well, I had a day off. - Yeah, I know. - Because we were, I'd booked the day off. I don't do it very often, apparently. - Have I told him? (laughing) So I booked a day off because we were gonna take the children on a day's education to the theatre, as we said before. So I still had the day off, but the children went to school. They did. So we actually had a day to ourselves? We actually had a bit of time for ourselves, which is nice, but they did mean that we had to rush, as we just said, like the wind at the end. At the end, yeah, but the day was nice. But the day was nice. But then we go to waitrose, and I'm still fuming over this child absence day thing, going, "Why have I done the correct thing?" If anything, it proves to me don't do the correct thing. That's not a message of the children. - Just go. - They're real. - Exactly. So I'm still going on about that and you were going, well we could have just taken them out. You know, even though it's not authorized, we could have just taken them out and I was going, no, I can't do that. I can't do that. My amazingly pious side kicked in and I was like, I can't do that. And then we get to wait, wait, wait, chose and I go, oh, and there's a spot just there. You just need to quickly pull in there 'cause no one's coming down that way 'cause so it's a one-way system. was coming down that way and he goes, "I can't do that. I have to do the whole one-way system, do it properly." I'm like, "Oh my god, in this week alone," he said, "Yeah, just ignore the child absence authorization and what's smoking a bit of cannabis? Are two conversations we've genuinely had this week?" And then we come to a wait-trose one-way system and he just like, "No." No, no, no, no. People could see me. It's, you know, it's... Oh, it's that one, it's the fat one. No, no, it's... Your pants. Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, it must follow the rules in my choice. Oh, yeah. I follow the one, my system during COVID. I do all this. I do. Oh, my God. Wow. Well, we all got different standards. Yes. We saved the premiere in, didn't we? We did. On the Friday. Yes. I have to say, premiere in's are genius, really. Because, again, I was like, oh, great. So I'm going... because it was all last minute in my head it had been sold to me as Dick and Dom. You're going to see Dick and Dom who's going to, I thought he was going to like squirt foam and stuff at us. So I was just like, "I'm not that sort of person." Anyone who knows me, "Hey, nose, I tend to dress up a little bit." You do? We'll put makeup on and dress up a little bit. Yes, you're knowing a little bit. And I don't like surprises. No. I think it's have to be on my terms. They do. when they started pointing at the audience going, "Okay, you say bogie's louder than that person." I said, "If they come to me, I'm getting you to do it." - You did, yeah. - So that's sort of where I'm at there. But then I was like, "Well, okay, "but we can have a nice night away." Oh yeah, so we're staying in the premier in. - Oh God. - Oh God, but I have to say, I have to take it back on that one as well. Premieres are just genius. - That's very nice. We didn't see Lenny. I mean, that was a hope we would get to see Lenny in the bar, but we didn't see Lenny there. He's from the Midlands as well. - Yeah, let me, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, he is, and he's right, those beds are good, and as clean as he said. - It was right, it was fab. The only thing I'd say is all these hotels, and it actually doesn't matter even if it's like a really, really expensive hotel, all the premiums are in or even below that. I want someone to write it and tell me why this is the case. I think I know the answer, but it's something that's always puzzled me. So we were sat having a drink while the children were technically asleep in their room. I don't believe they actually got to sleep till three o'clock in the morning, but we're going to forget that. And we were having a drink in the bar, you know, a warm white wine, like we'd like to do in this country, lovely little warm, greener green show, you know, who knew that a hot toddy could be a warm white wine? Anyway, we'll do that. And then I look at the carpet and I go, oh god. And it just sort of said to me, the message is, this hotel is a mix between a Booper consultancy (laughing) and faulty towers. You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, but yeah. - But why are these carpets in these places so squiggly and colorful? I mean, they're like, you know, if you were, if you would really hung over, you would just never get out of bed 'cause they're just disgusting. - No, yeah, I don't know. I think it's to hide this thing. - I was facing that for I think the answer is, as well. It's like in pubs you stuff carpets in pubs. Why you'd have a carp in a pub, but you put the squiggly lines on, so if there's fagabins on there or as well as or be it, it didn't matter. Yeah, I have to say that's the only thing about hotels that I can't stand is the thought of who's been on that pillow and what's been happening on that carpet. Yeah. I mean, that's not just saying, I don't have anything weird on the carpet, but I'm just saying. Yeah, other people. Yeah, You know the public. Yes, the public. The public. He just said before, right? When they go out into the public. So yeah, so we had to drop Bob off at his hotel or at the kennel. First time. First time. I was really worried about him, wasn't I? You were. You've been missing him very lot. I'm not kissing him. So anyone who's like, like things I don't actually love his dog, it turns out I do. You do. I do really love him. Yeah, so that was quite a long time. It reminded me of being dropped off at boarding school, which anyone who's been to boarding school will know that feeling and I can't. I don't even know how I let the children go to school every day, day school every day, because I find it so hard to say goodbye. So you would do you, but Bob was you in the boarding school bit and you were your mother in that scenario. Correct. Yes. So I felt for those. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's not. It's not easy for me to find that. Bob had a good time though. We picked him up. He was very happy. He has slept. I mean, he's been on the tiles, I think, for the last. He's slept all day. I knew he was a party animal, but he has proved it. He's just like, he's barely looking at us, which is, might be because he's like, "I can't believe you left me there." But I think it's more than he had so much fun. It was very funny when we dropped him off. So Bob has a toy grenade. So most dogs don't have a toy. So we take him in and we go, "Here's Bob." Yes. - When I filled the form and I just called him, what's his name, borderteria? So I not read the form properly. They said, has he got a name? No, no, we call him borderteria. No, he's called Bob. - I called him husband. - He calls me wife. It's so easy. - It's so easy. - One child, two child, three. Yeah, it's so much easier than worrying about all this formality. And then we said, yeah, here's his blanket, here's the food. Oh, and here's his grenade. And they were like, - They said we've never had one of those before. we're just gonna have a go watch. (laughs) He just blow the kennels up. - I know, they must have people who really, I've wanted to say really care for their dogs because then they're like, so how much food does he have? And I was like, I don't really know. They're like, what do you mean you don't know? Well, I mean, it just sort of eats when he wants to eat. - Yeah, he has a scoop. - Yeah, I said, and then she said, how much? And I went, a scoop. She was like, she looked to me like, oh my god, you're one of them, aren't you? Oh, we always have them. For probably feeling sorry for the dog. She rushed them in at that point. But he does, he has a scoop. I don't know how you quantify a scoop. He doesn't always eat the scoop. - No, I think some, because he's a border疙tier, it's fine. He doesn't like a scoop. - I guess if they're like, - At the ice. - Or diabetic or whatever. I do get it, but it's quite funny. So we basically dropped this dog off, looking like really cramped dog owners, giving it this weapon of war, a grenade, and yeah, just speed it a scoop every now and then, and anything else wrong with him? No, not that we've noticed. And we did a bit of fudging of the paper. - Has he had all his vaccinations? Yes, vaccinations, look, it's in the thing. What about his warming and... - Yeah, he said, "Oh, you do the monthly one, do you?" Yes, we do, yes. - We do the monthly one. - So what month are we in March? Yeah, would have been February then. - And also, I have to just say to all Vets, we do actually do this, but we have been a bit remiss in the last couple of months. But I can't imagine with the only dogons in the world don't always stay on top of it. And if we are, I'm sorry, and Andrew will go back to the the tail point in the church and give God a hundred pounds. I don't know if that helps, but it might sort of... I don't know what he can do. What does it go to him? It doesn't exist anyway. So anyway, moving swiftly on from the giving money to... There we go. Mythical made-up characters. I don't know. So that mythical sod in the sky? Yeah. Why is he in the sky anyway. Well he's not. I know he's not. Sorry if you're already sorry. We have this in the house all the time. It's almost painful. You bring up religion in this house and Andrew will go on some sort of like well help on that being. You could probably do a whole show couldn't we on? Do you want to do it by yourself? In the beginning. I think I think Rick and - You're doing questions. - Because that's clearly what I'm getting. - Yeah. - I'm getting that. As what was the name, sorry, I've already forgotten. Nadine said, Nadine was like my boyfriend. So would you like to hear my God impression? - Yes, please. - Androo. - Sounds like Mr. Troy. - Oh, does it? - Yeah, yeah, maybe it was. Maybe... - Oh. (laughing) - I tried to give it a bit more depth, but I don't think I've got much left. No. Oh, don't you believe in me? You silly sort. Yeah, maybe one for another. I don't think this one. If you've got, because you've gone, I want to go to a premier, I don't know, premier. But if there's a premier in a city, now the point is, we want it that we're walking distance, we can go to some really nice bars, restaurants, a bit of culture of knee-be, it is whatever. We just, we would quite like to go out and find, explore, placing the UK that have got a really good premier in. Basically, you don't have to remogage your house in order to stay somewhere in the UK, which let's face it is actually what, most people confront every year. You know that thing, are you going away this summer? No, no, because I still need to have some sort of money at the end of August. This country is ridiculous. I would love to go on a one woman tirade about that but I don't think I'll have that much effect on inflation but it really does bump the ship. But there's two asked one is any listener if you can send in where you recommend going a city or town wherever you think with a bit of culture and then one for Lenny if you want to sponsor us at said locations go for it right Absolutely. Simon is telling me in my ear because he's Bristol-born and bred is our Simon. Is that a good accent for bristle? No that's it, bristle. Oh bristle. Oh, Gertlash. He liked that. He's laughing. Oh, I'm so upset. I went to school in bristle. That's about as far as I can go by the way. Gertlash. Anyway, there's probably our inn in bristle is there. Right, okay. Well there you go. That would be a good one as well. - We made the Bristol. - Yeah. - We could do it. - I can't go to the zoo. I'll tell you why, because my school, so there's a gift away for anyone who knows it, is next to the zoo. - Yeah, the school, the zoo's moving. (laughing) Did that come out? Did that, I had to run a classroom, why more we did it? Did that actually come out as a bird? - Jesus, I thought that was an animal impression. - Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. No, apparently the zoo is moving from the centre of Bristol, obviously the school that you went to, it's going out of town. I thought it should have done that years ago. It's so, I think it's a really, oh, then there's one of my saying, there's a zoo in the middle of London. So, I guess if you want to get the zoo. - What's that called? - I don't know. (laughing) So home, on the Friday night. (laughing) Oh no, that's just my personal experience. - Yeah. - You're all fun. You're a good one. Anyway, it's been lovely chatting. Lovely chatting. I totally, totally recommend Dicken Dom if you can get a ticket. Like I said, we got it last minute, but you know, if it's out there, go for it. And to Frank and Coventry, just feel free to do this week. Yes, thanks Frank. It's going to be a new birthday. It's going to be a new birthday. It's going to be a new birthday. It's going to be a new birthday. It's going to be a new birthday. It's going to be a new birthday. It's going to be a new birthday. It's going to be a new birthday. It's going to be a new birthday. It's going to be a new birthday. It's going to be a new birthday. It's going to be a new birthday. Bye! [Music]